Beached Whale

Newport Beach, CA

Casey returned from a run on the beach yesterday morning and said that he had seen a seal lying up on the shore. After asking him many questions about whether or not it was dying, old, dangerous, etc., I decided to check it out for myself.

Casey, Nicole, and I neared the marine mammal and watched as it lie still on the sandy beach. It was obviously "out of sorts," but continued to move and brush sand from its hairy blubber (blubber is quite possibly one of my favorite words ever). We took some photos of it from afar and then grew bolder in getting closer to take some additional pics. That is, Casey and I felt bold enough to go near the seal....Nicole did not. See photos below. I figured it couldn't possibly attack me considering it would have to shift 800 pounds of its blubber.

As we approached the seal, it would bend its head backward to itch its white back. And, for some reason, it didn't want to open its eyes unless there was something nearby worthy of it. A lifeguard approached in his Baywatch-like truck and began to yell at us, "STAY AWAY FROM THE MAMMAL! STAY AWAY FROM THE MAMMAL!" I rolled my eyes and proceeded to pose for a photo near the animal. I wasn't a threat to the animal in any way and kept a healthy distance.

It was an exciting day and we celebrated the fact that we had witnessed something unusual. Later that day, we glanced out at the beach to see yellow "Caution" tape marking off the spot where the seal had been. We quickly returned to the familiar spot and saw the seal lying closer to the water near the roped-off area. A sign near him read, "Do Not Disturb Marine Life." As we took a closer look it was easier to see that the seal wasn't moving.

Another lifeguard pulled up and we asked some of our burning questions. He proceeded to tell us that it was a sea lion not a seal. He said that they had spotted him miles down the shore the day before and figured that he would pass away of old age sometime soon. We also learned that sea lions can stand upright on their back flippers and run faster than a human for a short distance. I found this hard to believe.

I began to ponder, Was I the one who killed the sea lion? Probably not. But I clearly exploited it.

Check out the photo.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

I had the incredible opportunity to travel eastern Europe in the Summer of '97. We toured the historic churches of Prague, witnessed Austrian men wearing lederhosen, and walked the streets of Salzberg, the hometown of Amadeus Mozart. But, I'd have to say the highlight of my time was touring Germany. I felt "at home" in Germany. I felt as if I were among family. The food, the sights, and the smells all seemed familiar to me.

To my surprise, my family's namesake still had roots in Germany.The phone book even had 10 Applehoffs listed. I walked up and down "Applehoff Strase" (Strase=Street). This is where I belonged.

Throughout my stay, I was feeling as if I could breakdown any communication barrier that existed between an American and German and could confidently speak in German whenever I had the chance. Towards the end of the trip, I was "itching" for some McDonald's and happened to stumble across one of these familiar fast food restaurants in a small German town.

I walked up to the counter knowing exactly what I wanted to order...Value Meal #3. I took a deep breath, thought through the limited German words I knew, and memorized my broken order before allowing it to leave my mouth. As I stepped forward, I lost all confidence and pathetically pointed to the mat lying on the counter with the photos of the various value meals. I pointed to the #3 meal and said boldly, "Trei, Trei." The woman looked as if she didn't understand my request. I repeated, "Trei, Trei." At which point, the woman (with a confused look on her face) asked, "Would you like to TRY the Value Meal #3?" in perfect English.

I had been put in my place. I lowered my head and answered, "Yes." I didn't even attempt to respond in German for fear she would think I had some type of disability. Looking back on my humiliation, I realized that I had ordered like a caveman (or a 2-year-old...you decide). Because the German word for three is DREI, it was obvious that I couldn't form a complete sentence in German OR English.

I must say it was a darn good quarter pounder.

Laugh Attack

Have you ever had a laugh attack? I have had my fair share.

Places I've been known to laugh uncontrollably:

• McDonald's Drive-Thru
• Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors
• Teacher's Lounge
• In the Presence of my Friends
• When Watching "The Office"
• Department Stores
• Choir Tours
• Singing Karaoke
• When I'm with my Family
  

Nothing like a good belly laugh.

Mascot Empathy

Speaking of Clowns...

It was the summer after my senior year of high school. Since I would be leaving for college within a few months, I needed a summer job. So, I applied as a "temp." There were some great jobs and it paid well. For example, I got paid $12/hour to lick envelopes for eight hours. I also got paid big bucks to be an "undercover shopper" at PetSmart.

There was one job, however, that I could not pass up. Pepper's Waterbeds was looking for a clown to pass out fliers to customers during their big weekend sale. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to dress up as a clown and get paid $20/hour? It was right up my alley.

I showed up to the store that Saturday morning and announced to the manager, "I'm your clown!" He didn't seem amused. The manager pointed to the bathroom in the back of the store and said, "You'll find your costume in there." I had never thought that dressing up as a clown would be so difficult. I finally figured out that the large red shoes should be put on LAST, and wasn't exactly sure how I should put on my makeup. I decided to put one blue triangle under each eye and made a larger than life red mouth around my lips. The finished product was actually quite scary.

When I emerged from the employee restroom, I had some strange reactions from the salesmen. Finally, I was handed some fliers and asked to stand by the front door to welcome people as they entered the store. Within five minutes, it began to rain outside. It was clear that today would be slow in sales...which meant it would be a breeze for an inexperienced clown.

Soon after, the store manager walked over and explained that they needed me to attract business. He suggested that I stand at the streetlight outside the store and pass out fliers to passing cars. The store was situated at a very busy intersection near the local mall, but I found it difficult handing out anything to moving cars. Whenever the light turned red, I had to move fast.

The rain began to grow stronger and my makeup began to run. Passengers started to yell obscenities at me. I couldn't believe it! "Hey clown...will you do my kid's birthday party?" "What's up f*@^$#* clown?" "You're the saddest clown I've ever seen!" (The last statement was pretty true). I was beginning to develop an empathy for all mascots. What had I done to deserve this? Why did everyone feel the need to laugh at me? I was the most pathetic-looking clown I had ever seen!

By the time my mom and sister had arrived to pick me up at the end of the day, my makeup was almost non-existent and tears were falling from my eyes. They started to laugh and quickly realized by my unamused glare that I was not in the mood. My mother stood and took my photo as cars continued to drive by. This was the height of my humiliation.

Driving home, I vowed I would never dress as a mascot...no matter how much I'd get paid. I immediately called the temp agency and told them that I would not be dressing up as a clown the next day. Out of curiosity, I decided to drive by the store the following day to see who had replaced me. I saw an upbeat clown doing cartwheels up and down the patch of grass along the thoroughfare. I had been replaced.

I thought that this story was one I could file away...until I arrived at college the next Fall. I was excited to begin a new chapter of my life at a school seven hours from where I grew up. As I created new friendships, I met someone who grew up very close to my hometown. She was telling me about how she had always been scared of clowns. I felt the need to share my story with her. At the end, she said, "That was you?" I was mortified. "I was terrified of you! You were the saddest clown I've ever seen. I still have nightmares about you!"

Moral of the story? Think twice before you laugh at someone in costume.

Sweaty Mess

Something I have ALWAYS struggled with is my body's desire to sweat.... I've learned that it doesn't discriminate. I will sweat in cold winter weather as if it were a warm, humid, summer day. Luckily, it doesn't smell...it's actually quite cleansing. It's just darn annoying.

For example, whenever I go roller skating, I am forced to stop in the roller rink bathroom after each trip around the rink and dry my damp hair under the hand dryer. Pretty embarrassing. It spoils your chances of getting asked to skate by the boy you like.

Dancing poses another problem. By the end of the evening, my hair is literally dripping wet. I know...it sounds disgusting. And, yes, I look disgusting. But I have a great time dancing around the room to every song played. Is there something wrong with that?

My nose, though, always "glistens." A nice word for sweat. It sounds so much better than "perspire" or "drip." Those who know me (and love me) have learned to embrace the sweat. It's part of me. I'm a sweaty mess.

Dinosaur Egg

Not knowing what to bring me, my sister stopped at a local gas station and purchased a dinosaur egg in order to cheer me up during my stay in the hospital.

The egg's outer shell is supposed to deteriorate when placed in a cup of water. After several days, a dinosaur should emerge.

While eating one of my bland hospital meals, I took a sip of water from the cup closest to me. Quickly I realized that it was my baby dinosaur's habitat that I had consumed.

My mother was instantly worried that I would get salmonella from such an egg. My sister responded, "Mom, it's OK. It was a dinosaur egg, not a chicken egg." To which my mother replied...

"Exactly."

After six days, the egg has yet to hatch. Perhaps it has salmonella.

Stir Crazy

Sometimes you're forced to slow down.

Last week, the doctors found a blood clot in my right shoulder which caused my arm to swell up and turn dark purple. After several days in the hospital, they decided to send me home. Now, I must wait. Yep, that's it...wait.

Apparently, blood thinners take time to work their magic, so I am required to stay away from work and life as a whole until my blood levels are considered "therapeutic."

Things I've learned while sitting on my butt:
Nothing good is on TV during the weekends
Infomercials are hypnotic
The crown moulding in my living room is starting to crack because the house continues to settle
You can only read a magazine once
Pain in your shoulder will begin to appear if you hold your arm in one position too long
Feeling helpless stinks

I'll continue to wait.

Midge Clown

This is quite possibly the funniest story I have ever heard. In order to appreciate the story, you must imagine my sister telling it with a straight face with the fear that it is true. Straight from her mouth....

"My friend's sister's cousin was babysitting her friend's child one night. Around 8:00, she put the baby down in her crib and opened the door to the play room to see that things were in order. When she peered inside the toy room, she noticed something out of the ordinary. To her surprise, she noticed a small clown standing in the corner, wide-eyed staring at her. She immediately called her friend and asked her if she had a toy clown that they kept in the toy room. Her friend quickly responded by saying, 'no' and told her friend to grab the baby, call the police, and get out of the house immediately!

"When the police arrived, they found the clown still standing in the corner of the room. It turns out that a schizophrenic clown had escaped from the circus that was in town. He had snuck into the house a week earlier through the doggie door, was living in a closet eating their dog food. The night he was spotted, he was frozen in a catatonic state."

The clown was later released, which led my sister to believe he was still on the loose in Bloomington-Normal and determined to secretly live in her house. From time to time, I ask her to retell the story so that I can laugh throughout...which makes her angry because she knows I don't believe the story to be true. Perhaps it is....

The Power of Laughter

Many popular quotes can sum up the power of laughter better than any of my attempts:

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. ~Woody Allen

Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit. ~Author Unknown

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. ~Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts," Saturday Night Live

Laughter is an instant vacation. ~Milton Berle

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. ~Yiddish Proverb

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other. ~Alan Alda

I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth." ~Quincy Jones

A laugh is a smile that bursts. ~Mary H. Waldrip